You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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