Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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