Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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