Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
