Four minutes until I can fart!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
