I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
