I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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