I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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