FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
