The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize