Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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