How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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