there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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