Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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