2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
