Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
