I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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