I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
