My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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