I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Randomize
