Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
