Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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