Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize