Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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