please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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