I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
