I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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