Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
