College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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