I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
