I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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