Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
