made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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