Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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