so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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