Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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