The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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