I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
