I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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