mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
