Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
