I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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