The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
