the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
That's when you crack a 10am beer
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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