Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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