Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
