Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
two words...techno handjob
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
