is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
