i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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