You're my little dorito
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
