YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
