So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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