Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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