yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploringâ€
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
