On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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