So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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