The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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