you have to choose: penises or morals?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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