Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
