mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
