Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
